Finals: As Told By “The Walrus and the Carpenter.”

To my fellow college students,

The time has come,” the professors said
“To talk of many fears:
Of finals–and deadlines–and sleepless nights–
Of final grades–and–tears–
And why there’s so many things to do–
And whether I’ll see you next year.”

“But wait a bit,” the students cried,
“Before we commence with tests
“For some of us have more work to do
“And cannot give our best!”
“We’re worried!” Said anxiety
And began their cry-fest.

“A final paper,” the professors said.
“Is what we chiefly need:
“Pages and pages besides
Are very good indeed–
Now if you’re ready, students dear,
You can begin to plead”

“But oh, not us!” the students cried,
Turning a little blue.
“After such assignment, that would be
A dismal thing to do!”
“You’ll all be fine,” the professors said.
“Just follow all the clues.”

“It seems a shame,” the professors said,
“To end the year like this.
After we’ve taught them so much
And many classes missed.
The brain said nothing but
“This professor is getting pissed.”

“I weep for you,” the professors said:
“I deeply sympathize.”
With sobs and tears students started,
Their final exams with dread.
Continuing with bleary eyes
And sleepy, droopy heads.

“O students,” said the professors,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!
Shall I being see you here again?”
But answer came there none–
And this was scarcely odd, because
They were asleep. Every one.


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